Jannavi's Moment of Clarity

Jannavi sent this as an email to some of our friends on May 28, 2004. She says nice things about my writing, but you all will admit that when it comes from the heart as this one does, it is really good. A cliche definitely, I just wish I wrote such cliche :-)

Disclaimer: I have taken the liberty of fixing typos and reformatted the email. No other change has been made to the original email.

Hi Everyone,

Sitting at home yesterday, I was just thinking about things that happened in my recent past and I thought I should send this mail to all of you about how my life, our lives, has changed, and how it is actually helping me have a different perspective. I do apologize if it is a bit long and disconnected, i am penning this as my thoughts are forming....

When I met Raag, in 1991, he joked at the way I planned my life, I only saw in multiples of 5 and 10 into the future. I planned for us, with an attitude that, I would make it happen exactly as I envisioned. I planned.

When we had Devayani in 1995, I planned months ahead how I would bring her up. I had detailed plans of what she will be when she grows up. This, even before she knew how to walk! I planned.

When we were looking for a house in MD, I was paranoid I would not get into a good school district. My daughter was 3 and I was planning her high school graduation. Raag and I fought everyday about the house we wanted. He didn't care about schools, I didn't care about commute time. We bought a house far from his job, and not in the greatest school district and I was upset it did not go with my long term 'plan'.

When we started trying for a second child back in 1999, I was 'planning' yet again I wanted only a summer baby because I didn't want to have my child lose a year by being born in winter. I 'planned' for a summer baby because I thought it would suit Raag well during his trips to and from the hospital. I planned.

When I lost my job last year, my world came crashing down around me. We were going to have a baby. What were we going to do with one job down and how were we going to pay for college for two kids. My distant future plans were upset. I had to get a job, and I did. My plans were still intact, till the miscarriage.

After all this, here I am. Devayani is doing so well at her school, that I am happy we bought this house when we did. We survived a car accident that few can live to talk about. I have discovered that I have such a resilient daughter, she makes me proud everyday. In the end of March this year, I was laid off again. I realize I am actually happy. I am happy to be home. I haven't had any of the knee jerk reactions I had during last year's layoff like cutting down on expenses, vacations, activities for Devayani, none of that. We had such a wonderful vacation hiking in Utah and CA and for something we hardly 'planned', it was our best trip. And this was two days after I lost my job, very unlike me.

The events in our lives, has shown me what a fool I have been all these years. What was I thinking when I said I can tackle life and control it to my liking. How I have wasted my time planning into a future I have no control of. It is sad that we had to go thru the things we did to have such an eyeopener (I am not being sarcastic).

All I want to say is, live for the moment. Cherish what you have now, and don't think what all you can have in the future. Don't plan so far into the future, that you forget to enjoy the present. So if you ask me what my plans are for Labor Day or Jul 4 weekend, I will smile, and tell you, I don't know what I am doing tomorrow. And you know what, it is not because I am afraid of the future, it is because I am really enjoying life this way. Stopping for all the small joys around me because I don't know what is in store for me tomorrow, and I don't care to know about it
today.

I hope I didn't bore you.

Cliche

I never have original thoughts. I despair of ever having original thoughts. In fact I cannot recollect ever having had one. I have had a few quips, a pun here or there, some word play that resulted in a neat joke. But an original thought that can be go toe to toe with those by say Mark Twain; nah that does not seem to be in my fortune in this birth.

You must be thinking "What arrogance, guy can't bat 0.25 but wants to hit a Grand Slam!! He has to request, say please, sometimes pretty please, several times .... to get people to read his blogs and he has the effrontery to refer to Mark Twain. Get real!!"

Anyway, there have been times, albeit rarely, when I have had moments of clarity, when an epiphany arose (Disclaimer - moments not induced by LSD or any other stimulants). Later after passage of some time when I make an attempt to recapture those thoughts they no longer feel as impressive. In fact they come across as common place or cliched. But then after several days of inaction I am left with a feeling of discontent that maybe I had a good idea but never followed it up.

Maybe it is not merely having an epiphany that is important, it is what we do with it that makes it relevant. We need to develop them, polish them and finally present them to a discerning audience. Maybe all great ideas start as a epiphany, only in these cases the author has the extraordinary drive to take this idea from his brain and successfully plant it several million brains. It is our choice whether we let our ideas live or die. Does that make sense?

Hey maybe the previous para counts as a decent thought?

So when last time a thought occurred I took the decision to in the future put it down in writing. So rather than present it as original thought I decided to set it out in blogosphere and see what people think and let them judge its triteness. But thinking is hard and I do not mean idle thoughts of winning 100 million dollars in a lottery, but real, to the point, purposeful thinking. This is compounded by the fact that I am out of practice. If thinking is hard, writing is harder. Anybody can write, only a few can command the attention of the reader.

So what is the cliche for this week?

I am sorry I forgot what it is :-). It is probably not as important as the resolution it led to, which is --

In the future when a wonderfully cliched idea hits me you will be the first one to hear it.